A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to findout anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
You`ve Got Male
Top 10 ways to introduce a little excitement into your workplace
10. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
9. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Then wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
8. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry. I'm going to have
to disagree with you there, Chachi."
7. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom doing a number 2."
6. "Highlight" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.
5. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during
the meeting. During
the meeting eat 5 entire raw onions.
4b. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
3a. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
3b. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
2. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
1. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Have your own Top 10 List or add to this list, submit to OfficeComedy.com and Share it with the world.
Things to Say to Make a Woman Laugh
Well if all men knew the things to say to make women laugh, this world would then be called Utopia :-). The birds would be singing once again, the sun would be shining, and if my wife knew what I was writing right now in this article, she would probably slap me on the back of my head, so on a serious note, let’s get serious :-).
What to Say ? I think the question is not so much as what to say to women, but rather, how you say it, and the actions you use when saying it. Now, things are not only as simple as that. This is not an exact science, after all, all women are different, which is the exact opposite of men, where apparently, all men are the same, according to some women :-).
By the way, that should have made you laugh. It's ok men, you can all laugh too!
Things that I have noticed that make women laugh. Well, let me clarify on that again, it's not what you say that makes women laugh, but how you say it, when you say it, in what manner you say it, and the list goes on and on, so instead, I will try to give you an example.
Johnny, who thinks he has a "special way with women", will approach his opposite sex and use a special planned routine that he calls "Johnny’s full prove plan on how to get layed". Putting on his full proof "Women magnet smile", he will slowly walk up to her and then finally when face to face with her, might pull out some line or joke that he
thinks is funny, and then, laugh at what he just said just to show how funny it was. well - She never thought he was funny.
Now Mike on the other side of the room is a little nervous. Mike is obviously not used to crowds. Especially when there are so many beautiful women around. Mike gets clumsy. He becomes accident prone. His words get all jumbled up. He sees a woman looking at him from the other side of the room. She is smiling at him. “Wow, what now?” he thinks. Nervously, he raises his hand to wave to her. At this point in time, a waiter walks past him holding up a tray filled with wine glasses full of wine. Mike smacks his hand into the tray. The tray falls to the ground, the glasses of wine shatter into tiny pieces. Wine gets sprayed everywhere. The women on the other side that was smiling to Mike has now got one of her hands in front of her mouth, and is giggling. Mike looks back at her and is sheepishly laughing back, while shrugging his shoulders. The women moves towards him, and, well, you know the rest :-).
The Bare Truth About My Butt Quiz
Forget about the SAT, never mind the FCAT, and remove forever from you mind any thoughts about the ACT. All these test pale in comparision to the examination that I just failed. Failing those test may have minor repurcussions like never making it into college and therefore being forced to work at fast food resturants well into you 40's. That's nothing. I just flunked a quiz that could scar me for life.
This morning I was doing my usual morning ritual of checking my email and all my affiliate programs to see if I had made any money online yesterday. I hadn't, in fact I never do, but I've found it's a great way to waste an hour or two. What usually happens is I get sidetracked by some banner or pop-up and I end up lost in the middle of cyberspace signing up for a free registration to some weird website just so I can get a free ebook with a title like 'Online Profits From Artichoke Juice!". This morning, however, I stumbled across a real winner. I came across a link that I just had to click. I was at JokesUnlimited.com reading redneck jokes when I saw 'Fun Quizzes: Can you guess which butts are male or female?
From the extreme look of excitement in your eyes I can tell that you feel the same way I felt when I saw the Butt Quiz link. My first thought was: 'Pictures of female butts! Yeeeessss! And it's a quiz so I don't have to feel dirty about it. It's educational! Yeeeesssss! I immediately clicked the link and started my quiz.
In hindsight(no pun intended), the expression 'Fools Rush In' comes to mind. I blindly rushed into this quiz in a testosterone induced urge to look at female hindparts and I forgot to think the whole thing through. I forgot
to take a moment and reflect. I forgot that there were going to be male hindparts on the quiz too. Hairy male hindparts. In thongs.
Needless to say, I failed the quiz. I got 8 out of 15 right. That's about 60 percent. An 'F' in almost all 50 states. Even New Jersey. I, Tim Ward, humor columnist and straight male could not distinguish between the gluteus maximus of the male and female gender. I started to wonder: Were some of the butts that I said were female really male? If so, does that mean I find some men's butts attractive? Do I have a male butt fetsih that I didn't know about? Do I secretly enjoy slapping guys on the butt after a good sports play? And what about the woman's butts that I classified incorrectly? Has it really been that long since I've seen a bare female behind? Am I forgetting what the female body looks like?
All these questions have been running through my head since I failed my first Butt Quiz. It got to the point where I'm thinking about scheduling a retest. But this time I'll be sure to plenty of studying in advance. So ladies, if you see me taking large hard looks at your posterior region, I'm not a pervert, I'm just doing a little research. And to the fellas, forgive me if I give more that the usual amount of congratulatory butt slaps on the basketball court for awhile. I'm just trying to further my education...And maybe work through a fetish or two.
You can take the Butt Quiz for yourself at: http://www.jokesunlimited.com/buttquiz.php
Tales Of A Hollywood Tour Guide
Author/Narrator Stephen Schochet researched Hollywood and Disney stories and lore for 10 years while giving tours of Hollywood. He had the unique idea the stories could be told anywhere and that's what led him to create the critically acclaimed audiobooks "Fascinating Walt Disney" and "Tales Of Hollywood". Here he shares some stories that happened while he was actually giving tours:
On one tour I pointed out the Fox Plaza, the building that was blown up in the movie Die Hard. A tourist asked me "How did they put that building back together so fast?" * On the tour we stop at Rodeo Drive. The people were returning to the bus after their visit and Steve Garvey came walking by. A life long Dodger fan I said," Hi Steve." Happy for the recognition, he came over to meet the people on the bus. Unfortunately, the entire group was from England and Germany and not a single person knew who he was. * The day after OJ Simpson was arrested, I was doing a tour where we stopped in front of the Chinese Theater. My customers were looking at the handprints and footprints, while I stretched my legs near a row of parked tour buses. Two men, one with a filming camera approached me. "Hi We're from CNN. Are you a tour guide? We would like to interview you about OJ." "Sure." "Great. Roll the camera. We're talking to a Hollywood tour guide. So did your customers ask you today about OJ's house." "Well today my people are from Romania. They are here for the World Cup. I don't think they care about OJ." "Well
will you be adding OJ's house to the tour?" "Probably not because he lives west of the 405. We go east of the 405 and we are so pressed for time. I wouldn't be surprised if we have some guys who point at any old house and claim that it's OJ's!" I was kidding but the reporter took me quite seriously. "So tour guides do that do they? What tour company do you work for?" I thought, who does this guy think he is, Mike Wallace? I pointed at one of the buses owned by a rival tour company. * When I first started training as a tour bus driver I rode with other guides to see how they did it. One guy, unfortunately did not endear himself to the customers with a patter of stale and sometimes sexist jokes. At one point he showed the Hollywood Sign, and told the tragic story of actress Peg Entwistle, who unable to succeed in the transition from stage to screen, jumped fifty feet to her death from the top of the letter H. He finished the tale with the tagline,"Of course the last person to jump was a tour guide who didn't get tipped." There was a pause and then an Australian customer from the back of the bus shouted out," Oh yeah? Well there'll be another one tomorrow!"
Special Delivery! Tips for Improving Your Humor
Delivering humorous speeches involves a lot more than simply having good material. Take some time to incorporate these tips into your presentations and watch the fun and laughter factors rise.
In Fun
Sigmund Freud wrote: "The most favorable condition for comic pleasure is a generally happy disposition in which one is in the mood for laughter."
This concept is called "in fun." If you want your audience to laugh, they must be in fun. You, the speaker, must be in fun. The emcee or program coordinator must be in fun. The whole program should be designed in fun. Do anything you can to be sure your audience knows that it's OK to laugh.
Time Of Day
The first speaker of the day for an early morning program should not expect hearty laughter. People are not conditioned to laugh a great deal in the early morning. Many won't even be awake yet. Use more information and less humor. It's important for you to know when not to expect hearty laughter. It would be a waste of time to use your best material at a time when laughter normally wouldn't be expected. The poor response also brings your energy level down. Many consider brunch and lunch to be the best times of day to expect a responsive audience. In the afternoon people are starting to get tired so don't expect laughter to be as intense.
Male/Female Makeup of Audience
All-female audiences tend to laugh more easily and louder than all-male audiences. Audiences that consist of more than 50 percent women are good too. The presence of the females provides a good buffer and makes it OK for the "big-ego" men to laugh.
Size
No, I'm not talking about how much you weigh today. I'm saying that the size of your audience has a direct effect on the types of humor which are most appropriate. Members of small business groups tend to be too self-conscious to laugh much. Use short one-liners. Don't use any long stories or jokes. In larger groups it's OK to stretch to jokes and short stories.
Pre-Program Research
The more you know about your audience, the better able you will be to pick the humor that will get the greatest response. Your research before the program will also allow you to uncover the group's inside humor.
Seating
The best seating arrangement for laughter is semicircular theater style. When audience members are seated close together on a curve, they can look to their left or right and see the faces of each person in the row. This togetherness allows laughter to pass immediately from one person to the other. Contact NSA member and seating expert Paul Radde for advanced seating information.
Choose Funnier Words
Your word choice can be the key to creating a successful witty line or a dud. In particular, words with the "K" sound in them are funny. Cucumber is funnier than mushroom. Cupcake is funnier than pastry. Turkey is a funnier word than loser.
Deliver The Punch
Some humorists will disagree, but I say deliver your punch line to one person and make sure that person is going to laugh. You must punch the line out a little harder and with a slightly different voice than the rest of the joke. Lean into the microphone and say it louder and more clearly than you said the setup lines. If the audience does not hear the punch line, they aren't going to laugh.
Deliver the punch line to a person you know will laugh, so that others will be positively influenced to laugh. How do you know if a person will laugh or not? Pay attention to those who have been laughing, those nodding their heads in agreement with you during the program, and those you identified before the program.
Pause
Pausing just before and just after your punch line gives the audience a chance to "get" the humor and laugh. Absolutely do not continue to talk when laughter is expected. If you do, you will "step on" your laughter and squelch it quickly.
Make It Relevant
If you make all your attempts at humor relevant to your presentation, you get an automatic excuse from your mother if your humor is not all that funny. If your humor is received as funny, so much the better; but if it isn't, at least you made your point. Audiences will be much more tolerant if the humor ties into the subject at hand. Use this formula:
A. Make your point.
B. Illustrate your point with something
funny.
C. Restate your point.
Vary The Types
The above formula would get boring and redundant rather quickly if you used the exact same type of humor every time for part B. By varying the type of humor in B, you can go on virtually forever, and no one will recognize that you are using a formula. I have identified more than 34 different types of humor to plug into the formula. You could use one liners, jokes, humorous props, funny stories, magic, cartoons or other funny visuals.
Rule Of Three
One of the most pervasive principles in the construction of humorous situations is the "Rule of Three." You will see it used over and over because it's simple, it's powerful, and it works. (See, I just used it there in a non-funny situation.) Most of the time in humor the Rule of Three is used in the following fashion: The first comment names the topic, the second sets a pattern, and the third unexpectedly switches the pattern, making it funny. Here's an example from a brochure advertising my seminars:
In the "How to Get There" section
From Washington, D.C., take Route 50.
From Baltimore, Md., take Route 95.
From Bangkok, Thailand, board Thai Airways.
Look Funnier
I have been accused of being too "corporate-looking¡¨ to be funny. When I'm being funny, I use facial expressions, odd body angles and bizarre comments and props to make up for my "normal" look. Those of you that have obvious physical characteristics that can be used in teasing yourself have an advantage. People love characters who are not afraid of teasing themselves. You can enhance the funny look with fun patterns and colors on ties and dresses, hats and funny glasses.
Bombproof Your Talks
Are you afraid of bombing when you get up in front of a group? You don't have to be. With proper material selection, a few prepared comments in case of unexpected problems and attention to time, worries about bombing can be virtually eliminated. As in tip above, make sure your material is relevant to your topic, and keep it short. The longer a piece of humor is, the funnier it better be.
A. Saver Lines
Saver Lines are what you say when your supposedly humorous statement does not get a laugh. You shouldn't be ashamed to use saver lines. The top comedians in the world need them and some purposely make mistakes so they can get a laugh from the saver line. Johnny Carson was an expert at this. After a poor response to a joke, he would say a comically insulting line like, "This is the kind of crowd that would watch Bambi through a sniper scope." Don't overdo the saver lines. If you have to use too many, your material must be pretty bad.
B. Pre-Planned Ad-Libs
Another way to keep from bombing is to "expect the unexpected." Canned or pre-planned ad-libs are pre-written responses to unexpected happenings or mistakes that occur during a presentation, i.e., the microphone squeals, the projection bulb burns out, you say the wrong thing, etc. Prepared ad-libs actually do more than just save you. They make you look tremendously polished. Here's the continuum: A bad presenter will stammer around when a problem occurs. A ZZZZZs presenter will say nothing and try to ignore the problem. A great Wake 'em Up presenter will make a witty comment that appears to be spontaneous. The audience believes you are originating humor on the spot. You are just quickly recalling pre-planned responses.
Microphone Squeals
This is the portion of my presentation where I do my elephant impression.
Projector Light Burns Out
This is the first time I have been brighter than my equipment.
Highlighter Runs Out Of Ink I'm out of ink. I'll be back in a wink. (remember . . . "k" words are funny)
Think Diversity
Our audiences are more ethnically diverse than ever before, so it's crucial to watch your political correctness and eliminate sexist language from your presentation. Not only is it easy to offend, which will turn your audience off completely, easily understandable word choice is more critical than ever to ensure that your audience members "get" the humor. When speaking across cultural lines, especially, visual humor such as magic, cartoons and comic strips are the most readily understood.
Make a wish on Titan and send it to your friends
A new type of eCard simulates science news webpage
Recently a piece of news is widely spread on internet. It announces that NASA scientists have found mysterious characters on the rock of Titan and it might be the sign of civilization having existed on the planet. Bob Rowntree received this URL link (http://www.uuswap.com/ecard_titan.php) from her girl friend on MSN this morning. When he felt suspicious about the trueness of the source, with an accidental click on the picture, Dave saw his name and a josh message!
This page has a headline “Sign of civilization discovered on
Titan!” with the news category “Science”. A set of space pictures are located adjacent serving as a foil. The underside picture shows NASA scientists gather themselves together discussing excitedly, which helps enhance the suspense.
Go to the bottom of this page, it comes to your sense that the whole thing is a friendly joke. You can fill in the form; write down wishing message and forward to your friends with a surprise!
Many receivers are satisfied at the effect and feel it an exceptional way to send greeting to friends.
About the Author
Freelance web editor.
How to write funny ideas
People are always curious as where do humorists get their wacky
ideas all the time. Once awhile you may hit upon a funny line or
silly joke, but to churn out an endless stream of funny ideas is
no joke(no pun intended).
So, where and how do the professional comedy writers do it? It's
all up in the head and the deep secret is the thinking process.
The combination of creativity and imagination is the first step
that will lead your thoughts to the funny finish.
To be imaginative and creative, you got to let your mind wander
freely and illogically even to absurdity. Don't be inhibited.
Many a times, the best joke appeared in the most unexpected
combination.
Here are five techniques which you can generate humorous ideas:
1.Incongruity - by pairing of opposites or contrasts. 2.Reverse
- by switching or reverting of situations.
3.Similarity - by
pairing of the same or similar things, person or situations
4.Words - by using puns, oxymorons, cliches and figure of speech
5.Switches - by using others'ideas only as a starting point.
These are the four essential elements of humor:
1.Surprise - unexpected twist to the ending 2.Realism - truth or
logic that can be related to or recognised 3.Exaggeration -
simple distortion to the extent of absurdity 4.Victim - the butt
of the joke
Don’t Blow Your Nose In The Water Fountain
We all know the general rules of the gym: don’t drop the weights, wipe your sweat off the machines when you’re done, etc. But do you know all about the more "colorful", lesser known rules of the gym?
NOTE: These rules are JOKES! If you ever see any of these rules posted at any gym you ever go to, please take a picture for me!
1. Don’t blow your nose in the water fountain.
This is a crude habit and can contribute to the spread of colds and viruses. Besides, that’s what the gym towels are for...
2. No smoking on the cardio machines.
Those little circular spots are water-bottle holders, not ashtrays. If you need a cigarette that badly when you’re working out, tape one to the pulldown bar and take a drag on it as a reward for each rep you do.
3. When spotting someone on bench press, be sure to wipe your face first.
You are not a stalactite, and dripping sweat into someone’s eye is not a good way to make friends.
4. If you choose to wear cologne or perfume to the gym, please don’t marinate in it.
If the person on the stair machine next to you lights up a cigarette, you could both be seriously injured.
5. Those stands that have all the weight plates on them should not be used for holding your donuts.
Your donuts will end up with a terrible metallic taste that even the coffee in your water bottle won’t be able to get out of your mouth.
6. The Crunch Machine is not a vending machine for candy bars.
Please don’t try to put money into this machine. It’s for working your abdominals. You will never, EVER get a Nestle’s Crunch bar out of
it.
7. Even though the gym has stair machines, it is not required by law to have elevator machines.
Please stop asking about this at the reception desk.
8. Pick up after your dog when you walk him on the treadmill.
No explanation necessary.
9. If you have a habit of spraying spit when you lift, ensure there is no one in your target area.
It’s bad enough that the mirrors by the squat rack look like a St. Bernard shook himself in front of them.
10. Do not give yourself C.P.R. when doing bench presses.
Bouncing the bar heavily off your ribcage instead of pressing it properly may cause damage to the bar and voids the warranty on the bench. Besides that, you don’t want your spotter feeling as though he’s dribbling a barbell down the court do you?
11. Beer and/or liquor in your water bottle are prohibited.
Unless, of course, you bring enough for everybody. This also goes for mochaccinos, frappaccinos, and anything with an umbrella in it.
12. Use the rowing machine at your own risk.
If it sinks, there are no lifeguards on duty.
Following these rules to the best of your ability will ensure a pleasant exercise experience for everyone.
Thank you.
DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER
DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005
DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER!
Or, time to get your buzzer fixed before friends arrive for some
good cheer!
Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl
Craboon
December is the 12th month of the calendar year. Time to wrap
things up, because whether you've been naughty or nice, it's too
late now. On second thought, perhaps the rotund fellow in the
red suit, with the white beard and whiskers will be the best
judge of that!
So, in the meantime, practice a bit of re-gifting. Besides, it's
a fine way to palm off those never used gifts like the Laughing
Buddha candle from great Aunt Jessie or the gargoyle spout you
got from cousin Horace in Mauritania or maybe it was Tasmania).
If that doesn't turn your crank, try humming a few seasonal
songs or just knocking back a few eggnogs. And if that doesn't
get you in the spirit, go to your favorite cheapskate store and
pick up some crazy thingies to stuff those stockings. What you
don't have a stocking?
And last but not least...grab some holly, some ivy, or some
mistletoe ...for a bit of Ho-Ho-Ho at your front door!!
So, without further ado...here are some ways to celebrate the 31
days of good cheer and good times before the end of this year!
December 1 - National Ear Muff Day (A fine way to honor
those colorful wooly wrappers that keep the cold out and let
everyone now how really weird your are!)
December 2 - National Red Crayon Day (This is the day you
get to write whatever you want with a "red" crayon, and no one
can send you to the naughty stool, so there!)
December 3 - Hot Chocolate/Hot Toddy Day (Time to honor
those marvelous moo-moos or titillating tipples that make life
worth living when everything's going to heck in a hand-basket!)
December 4 - Cook Someone's Goose Day (A great way to
celebrate plucking feathers...so who's the lucky little critter
on your wish list?)
December 5 - One Minute Christmas Carols or Nursery
Rhymes (Time to recite your favorite ditty in 60 seconds or
less; not recommended for those who didn't graduate from
kindergarten).
December 6 - Pin the Antlers on the Reindeer Day (In
honor of an old world creature whose only reason for being is
hauling Santa's sleigh around one day a year).
December 7 - Elf Appreciation Day (It's time to pay
tribute to all the weary wee ones working overtime at the North
Pole in Santa's workshop; they're considering joining a union to
improve their working conditions).
December 8 - Festive Decorating Day (Time to haul out all
the boxes of balls, braids, and bright lights...along with those
fake smiles your boss or the HR Dept. have requested).
December 9 - Sagittarius Appreciation Day (A day to honor
all the happy-go-lucky, fair-minded archers of zodiac who
blunder, miss their target, or fail to plan adequately).
December 10 - Let's Talk Turkey Day (Time to kvetch about
who has the best turkey-dressing recipe, and why kids go berserk
when they find out you stuffed "Big Bird" in the oven!)
December 11 - Waffle & Whiffle Appreciation Day (In
recognition of any colleague, friend or family member who
wanders off topic or says 25 words when one will do thank you).
December 12 - Mistletoe Appreciation Day (Time to hunt
for greenery, practice puckering your lips, and find a willing
bill and coo partner...now come out from under the green
peppers, sprouts or the head of leaf lettuce will you!)
December 13 - Partridge in a Pear Tree Day (In honor of
any strange clucking birds who are loafing about not to mention
perching on your favorite fruit tree in the front yard).
December 14 - Two Turtle Doves Awareness Day (In
recognition of Bird-Watchers Anonymous who're keeping a close
eye on the cooing creatures who've taken up
residence on the
front lawn).
December 15 - Three French Hens Day (In honor of all
those fancy French-talking, billet-doux types who never use a
bidet, but never hesitate to leave their mark on front lawns).
December 16 - Four Calling Birds Day (In honor of all the
wretched hooting and hollering feathered friends who were never
invited to camp out on the front lawn in the first place) .
December 17 - Five Golden Rings Day (It's time to
celebrate the Winter Olympics early, or perhaps it's a great
excuse to use them to wring the necks of those crazy creatures
making a frightful mess on the front lawn).
December 18 - Six Geese A-Laying Day (Chickens are one
thing, especially when they're fried...but those gaggling geese
won't even do a good turn by laying a great big golden egg for
Pete's sake!)
December 19 - Seven Swans A-Swimming Day (Oh no, more
blessed birds that mate for life...and this time they've taken
over the swimming pool....when will it ever end?)
December 20 - Eight Maids A-Milking Day (As if the birds
on the front lawn aren't enough, now the cows have decided to
move in, and the maids aren't helping matters!)
December 21 - Nine Ladies Dancing Day (The milk maids are
quite productive, but now there are some scantily-clad females
kicking up their heels on the front lawn, disturbing the cows so
they don't give milk and now the bleeping birds are pooping
everywhere!)
December 22 - Ten Lords A-Leaping Day (What's with the
royal court these days, can't they keep their posh progeny at
home instead of letting them run amok on the front lawn with the
moostruck maids and merry-making mavens, not to mention the
blessed birds and sacred cows!!)
December 23 - Eleven Pipers Piping Day (All hell is
breaking loose as a band of bagpipers...wearing not a stitch
beneath their kilts... has descended on the front lawn, scaring
the maids and mavens half to death, and sending the birds and
cows into a frenzy, so neither the SPCA nor the petting zoo will
take them!)
December 24 - Twelve Drummers Drumming Day (With the
arrival of a sweet-grass smoking shaman with an entourage
calling themselves, "The Damned Drum Corps", the front lawn has
turned into a great big gong show; the police have now ordered
10 paddy wagons and a fire-truck, while the Mayor, as a last
resort, has read the Riot Act banning all garden parties!)
December 25 - Merry Mirth Day (A terrific day to give
yourself lots of big hugs, big presents, and tell anyone who
gives you a bad time to sit on the naughty stool!)
December 26 - Wassail Appreciation Day (Time to visit
friends and family to hit them up for free drinks, a free meal,
and a promise to tell clean jokes all day long).
December 27 - Whistle While You Work Day (A great way to
recognize the valuable contribution made by pro-active
fellowship in the workplace).
December 28 - Cranberry Recognition Day (Time to say
thanks to the ripsnorting red berry that's great in cocktails,
cakes, and as a spunky sauce to liven up the next week of turkey
meals).
December 29 - Swoosh & Thonk Day (A great way to honor
all manner of awkward or inept positions that make you look
quite foolish on a ski hill or a skating rink)
December 30 - Yeti/Abominable Snowman Appreciation Day
(Time to honor the invention of the shovel, spade or snowblower
to get rid of the frigging flakes that have piled up so you
can't get out of your abode, get kids to school, and be off to
work!)
December 31 - New Year's Eve (Now you can host one big
party ...to celebrate all the things you've left undone on your
"to-do" list this year!)
About the author:
B. Blitterlees & E. Craboon can be found mooching about in the
Court of The
Quipping Queen
April Fool's Day
April Fool's Day
April Fool’s Day originates from Germany. It is believed to be the brain child of Gabriel Hoffman who lived in Damstadt during the 1860’s. The day is celebrated in many countries with the execution of elaborate practical jokes on unsuspecting victims. April 1st is the accepted date for April Fool’s Day when both simple and very sophisticated jokes are known to catch out the unwary or the gullible.
There is evidence of a similar day in the Gregorian calendar of 1582 and even as far back as ancient Rome when the practice would have been observed on New Years Day. Originally April Fool’s Day jokes typically would have involved sending a person on a ridiculous errand. A builders merchant might send an apprentice to obtain some sky hooks or a long wait ( weight ) and embarrass them after a period of time with the utterance of the words April Fool.
It is tradition for the jokes or pranks to end by noon. Carrying out an April Fool’s Day joke on someone after this time is said to bring bad luck. Over the years there have been some very elaborate hoaxes even by large TV corporations. The BBC managed to convince its audience in 1957 that Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. They showed footage of spaghetti growing on trees and were inundated with calls from the general public asking for advice on growing spaghetti. The BBC even had the audacity to suggest placing a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce to assist its growth.
April 1st is not an officially recognised holiday or event but it is practised regularly in the UK. Prince Charles has been reported to have enjoyed April 1st when until as recently as 2003 he would cause havoc at Buckingham Palace where his favourite trick was to place a whoopee cushion under the bottoms of Royalty, including his mothers – Queen Elizabeth!
There have been many hoaxes
and some famous mistakes by media corporations in reporting stories in error. There are also several April Fool’s Day spoofs on the internet. Sometimes these seemingly innocent pranks can cause financial damage or panic when things are taken too far.
In Birmingham on April 1st 1986, a group of students became convinced that the Black plague had returned to the city. Such was the level of confusion and clever manipulation of a drama class and its students, that hospitals in the city were put on full alert and 900 students were sent home by the governor. The full scale of the hoax was not revealed until the following day when embarrassed school committee members faced the media and issued an apology to parents.
In 2001 Birmingham Council became embroiled in an April Fool’s Day conspiracy involving Pebble Mill on the Bristol Road. They received what they thought was official notification from the BBC of severe structural damage to the BBC building, caused they were informed by a severe earth tremor. The council acted swiftly and informed the BBC that it had secured space in the Mailbox for all of the BBC staff and studio teams. This particular hoax was only discovered on the day of the move when Birmingham County Council received a fax message which simply read ‘ April Fools’ and was accompanied by a fax message of the original notification. Michael Johnson, Assistant Director was questioned by Channel 4 in an embarrassing fiasco where Johnson looked bewildered and confused and clearly had no knowledge of events leading to the change of location of the BBC headquarters in Birmingham.
April Fool’s Day is illegal in the Peoples Republic of China, Venezuela, Trinidad and Tobago, Alaska, Cuba and Bolivia.
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (NY)
BROOKLYN, NY - It was discovered, last Monday, that a tree has
grown in Brooklyn, NY. Amazed residents stared dumbfounded at
the three-year-old sapling. Two girls discovered the North
American Honey Birch (Honeyus Bircheus) on the way to school.
"At first I thought, like, it was just a tall weed," Melissa
Hanes, 15, said, "then I, like, looked closer and I realized it
looked kinda, like, similar to a tree." She explained they had
just learnt about trees in social studies class. They were
learning about different aspects of other cultures.
Her classmate, and fellow discoverer, Jessica Pone, 15,
observed, "When Mrs.Salisky spoke about these really tall plants
nobody believed her. We all thought it was a joke, like if she
had said that, like, all GAP stores were closing down. It was
just that unbelievable!"
They called the New York City Park's Department. The whole
department came down to marvel at the
site.
"Sure we've seen trees in Queens and Staten Island, but in
Brooklyn?" exclaimed Richard Seer, deputy commissioner of the
Park's Department. "We are petitioning that the site be declared
a historical landmark." Although this is generally given to
historically significant sites, he believes that City Hall will
overlook that requirement for this special discovery. Copyright
2005 Cy Yablonsky. Cy Yablonsky is an Associate Realtor with
Othello Realty, you can visit Othello Realty at
http://www.OthelloRealty.com. Feel free to reprint this article
but you must include this paragraph and all links must be live
and working, no changes can be made.
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.
Stories:
1. A man who had been
caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
50 Things to do to your Boss that are Fun for you, but not for them
1. You’re eavesdropping and you hear your boss has reservations at his favorite restaurant. You know, the one you can’t afford. Call them back and cancel his reservations – say you’re his wife.
2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss saying that they know what he has been up to, possess incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scare the bejesus out of him.
3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your manager’s chocolate licorice. Not only will you feel better, it may wipe that constipated look off of his face too.
4. Call the local Mormon or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints church and ask that they visit your house soon, only give them your manager’s home address.
5. Every time your boss asks you a question, just look at him and say “interesting” and go back to what you were working on.
6. Take your eyeliner and smears it in his chair when he’s not looking. His wife will feel needed when she has to heartily scrub and wash his pants.
7. Turn the pictures on his desk upside down and act overly sweet and innocent when he asks if you know why they are like that.
8. When your boss goes to the bathroom, turn his computer off. When he asks you if you know what happened, say that you don’t and it must have just crashed or something. Smile like the Cheshire cat.
9. Enlist a friend to deliver papers appearing to be legal documents that insinuate he is being sued for 4 million dollars. Put word “joke” on the last page of the 20-page document. It will be fun to watch beads of sweat form on his brow.
10. Remove all toilet paper from the men’s bathroom and put it in the women’s. Shake your head in disapproval of the janitorial help in your office when your boss complains about it.
11. Put your boss on all of the mailing lists of his most detested organizations and clubs. When he asks you to call and have them remove him from the lists, say of course, and never do it.
12. Replace the vodka in the liquor cabinet with water. You’re doing him a favor, really you are. When he comments that his vodka tastes like water, respond smartly by saying that it appears that just about everyone is cutting corners these days.
13. When he comments that the coffee is too weak or too strong, ask, in a serious tone, if he is sure that his taste buds haven’t changed.
14. When your boss mentions a particular food that he does not like, purchase that item repeatedly and eat it in front of him. Put your garbage from that food into his garbage can, so that the smell will linger in his office.
15. When you arrive late, move all clocks back. When you want to leave early, move all clocks forward. Pretend that all the batteries need to be replaced.
16. When your boss inquires about your weekend, say you went sky diving and to Italy. He will hopefully get your sarcasm and not ask again.
17. When your manager inquires as to what your favorite TV show is, reply that it is a child’s show like Sesame Street. Say it like you mean it.
18. Out of the blue, say you have an emergency appointment with your astrologer and it is important that you leave now because your charts are waiting!
19. For your manager’s birthday, hire a palm reader to read your manager’s palm. Pay them an extra $50 to say “Oh My” in the middle of the reading and not be able to continue.
20. Grind up leaves from your backyard that look like pot, put into a baggie, and send it to your boss. Stand there while he opens it and gasp when the contents are revealed. Say “it is none of my business” and walk out of the room.
21. Call the fire department and pretend you are in the office next door to yours and exclaim there is a massive inferno in the building next to yours. It is guaranteed to raise your manager’s blood pressure a few points or more when the firemen arrive.
22. Time your manager when he goes out to run personal errands and comment that he took an exceptionally long break when he returns.
23. Run into the office exclaiming to your manager that his car has a huge dent in the side! Walk outside with him when he goes out to examine it. After he looks it over thoroughly and asks you what you saw because he can’t see it, apologize that it must have just been the way the light was reflecting on it that made it appear that way.
24. Exclaim how sorry you are that your manager’s grandmother died over the weekend and that you read about it in the obituaries. Declare that it must have been somebody with the same name when he says he has no idea what you are talking about and begins frantically dialing his grandmother.
25. Superglue two middle pages of your manager’s favorite book and return to the shelf. He will find it after the glue has permanently set.
26. When you are simply not in the mood to get out of your chair, proclaim that the copier is broken when your boss asks for copies to be made. If your manager attempts to make
copies on his own and exclaims it works just fine, jam a paper clip in the innards of the copy machine when nobody is looking.
27. When your boss asks you what you would like for secretaries’ day, first of all, reply that you are not a secretary. Request that he answers the phone on that day as well as having all of your whims fulfilled that are of inconceivable proportions.
28. Using desktop publishing, relabel a can of bug spray as vanilla air freshener and place in men’s bathroom.
29. Call in sick and leave a message on the company’s voice mail. State that you are ill due to the overwhelming imbalance of wealth and power within the company’s structure and your illness should subside once you are paid what you are worth.
30. When your boss asks for a donation to his son’s little league fund, ask what the minimum amount is that you can donate in order to keep your job.
31. When your boss invites you to the company Christmas party, matter-of-factly state that you’d prefer to spend it with rabid dogs and wild monkeys, but proclaim your sincere thanks just the same.
32. Stockpile in your office your manager’s favorite type of pen so that he is constantly bewildered as to where they are disappearing and continues to order new boxes of pens repeatedly.
33. During your yearly review, exclaim that you would just like to discuss your raise and not your manager’s suggestions or comments. Also, add that you do have a list of improvements for him that you’d like to share.
34. Find boss’s buttons and push them. If it is his weight, ask if he has gained weight or do those clothes just make him look fat?
35. Announce at the next company birthday (cake eating in the lunchroom) that the boss is giving everyone a 10% raise. When your manager pulls you into his office to discuss this, say that he sure is losing his sense of humor in his old age.
36. Stack all incoming unwanted sales related faxes and printed e-mails on your manager’s desk and connect all sales related calls to him, especially the stock brokers. When your manager comments that he would like you to screen all sales related material and calls, comment that you thought he was open to new ideas and new people and didn’t realize he was so introverted.
37. After next company announcement of a marriage or pregnancy, proclaim that you are getting married and having a child, but not necessarily in that order.
38. When company phone bill gets passed around asking you to highlight your personal calls, always state that you would never do that and never highlight anything. Say your family and friends all reside in Tasmania.
39. As soon as your boss returns from a vacation, ask where he went and always state that you vacationed there a few years ago and how fantastic it was.
40. Five minutes into the weekly company meeting, excuse yourself to go to the restroom and return twenty minutes later when it is wrapping up.
41. When the boss is out of town, forward the phones to your house and take a nap. Run back to the office if something needs to be done.
42. Position a cup of coffee on your manager’s desk so that when he sits down, you can pretend to fumble for papers on his desk and easily knock it onto his lap. State that you hope it isn’t hot and that no third degree burns are inflicted.
43. If you are single, place your grandmother’s antique diamond ring on your married finger on the left hand. When boss asks you if anything new has happened to you recently after he clearly notices your ring, state nonchalantly “no, not really.” If you are married, remove your wedding ring and state the same answer when asked the same question.
44. On casual dress day, wear a bathing suit top and the shortest shorts that you own. When you are called into your boss’s office to discuss this, ask for a list that defines the parameters of the casual dress day code.
45. Circulate an anonymous memo that this coming Friday is fetish day so dress appropriately. Add that a $100 prize will be awarded to the freakiest costume.
46. After your boss gives you an overwhelmingly long list of items for you to complete, ask if he’d like for you to wipe his ass as well.
47. Take items out of your manager’s sack lunch. When he comments on this phenomenon, reply that society is degenerating at an unbelievable rate.
48. When you manager asks you how your day is going, be honest. Say, well, if people that worked for this company weren’t so dysfunctional and psychotic, it might be a marginally average place of employment.
49. When your boss says “good morning”, quickly reply, “Oh is it?”
50. Once a week, send an anonymous email to your boss that is spiteful in nature. To kick it off, the first one should simply read, “you are pond scum.”
Joke-A good One
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!
Two guys looking for their wifes!!!
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried.
"The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
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